Monologues From Plays

Anyone know any Comedy Monologues?

I dont want any olden day ones please... I tried searching around myself but I can't seem to find the right one. Some are pointless and some are hardly funny... I want one that makes me a total imbecile(sp?)... It doesn't have to be but...yeah... if not then I will take anything you give. Please & Thank You. Oh sorry.. when I said Olden Day I meant Shakespeare... Btw I am female and need a monologue for females unless unisex ones lol. Hey, I found a monolouge from 'Laughing Wild' by Christopher Durang... I've only got the Tuna Fish one.. Has anyone got any others? If not I'd still like to hear about other Funny monologues... Thanks.

Public Comments

1. I'm not sure what "olden days" are to you. I don't know if you mean Shakespearean (or older) or if you mean the comedic giants of the 1990s. Probably your best bet would be to rent some movies or tv show (SNL?) dvds, and look for characters like you describe, and copy down any monologues they may have. (Phoebe from FRIENDS comes to mind).
2. If you have the stomach for it check out "7 words you can't say on television" by George Carlin (Rufus from Bill and ted) easily downloadable for free. Or even though considered old but the very funny and corny monologues by Bob Newhart. Non offensive and incredibly funny.
3. I don't know what you mean by olden days, but you could try looking at some of Joyce Grenfell's monologues if they're not too old for you. Her most famous one is called 'George, dont do that', and is about a nursery teacher talking to her class.
4. Look out for anything Woody Allen has written. In the 1970/80's, he wrote some really quirky short stories, completely absurd. I've used a few when I was in drama school.
5. I've always been quite hasty and I blow up like a bubble, And I say things that I honestly don't mean. Well, I'll have to cure this habit or I'll get myself in trouble, And I'll finish up by making quite a scene. For instance, only yesterday, I tried to cross the road And I nearly got run over by a car... I shouted to the fellow, "Learn to drive, you little toad, The ugly little midget that you are." He stopped... and then got out and I could see That the chap was over six feet tall and looked just like a tree. He said, "What was that, that you said?" I said, "Who said?" He said, "You said!" I said, "Me?" He said, "Yes you!" I said, "Not me!" He said, "I've half a mind to thrash you!" I said, "Thrash who?" He said, "Thrash you!" And I stood back there astounded at his flow of repartee. He said, "I know just what you thought!" I said, "Who thought?" He said, "You thought!" I said, "Me?" He said, "Yes, you thought that I was small... So in future, be more careful!" I said, "Bet your life I will be!" Then he got back in his car and that was all!. A week ago today, I went to supper with a girlfriend She's the girlfriend when her husband's not about. Well, I knew that it was risky and that anything might happen If he suddenly came in and found us out. Still, we sat and had some supper then we polished off the gin Then she said, "My husband is listening at the door!" I said, "Let the Blighter listen... come on, let's have one more kiss, If he comes in here I'll smash him on the jaw. The door then opened widely with a crash... And he stood there like a giant as he curled his huge moustache. He said, "What was that, that you said?" I said, "Who said?" He said, "You said!" I said, "Me?" He said, "Yes you!" I said, "Not me!" He said, "I really ought to kill you!" I said, "Kill who?" He said, "Kill you!" I said, "Me?" He said, "Yes, you!" I said, "But how?" He said, "You'll see!" I said, "But you'd be hung for murder!" He said, "Who would?" I said, "You would!" He said, "Me?" I said, "Yes you!" He said, "You're right! I shall have to think that over..." I said, "What?" He said, "What you said..." I said, "Yes, well I'll be going now... GOOD-NIGHT!!!"